Forethought and hindsight. History’s judgements. These two are related to my subject today, which musing meanderings should be boiled down to securing my belief in the truth of this observation by President of SGI, Daisaku Ikeda ‘s obsrvation, “The true evaluatioin of a life is determined by one’s final years.”
Not everyone can believe this. As a youth, I could not, did not believe I would one day be old. “I’m not gonna let that happen to me,” I would say to myself, when confronted with what i considered unsightly sights of aged skin and salt and pepper hair and enfeebled limbs. In middle age, I was confused because i could sense and see that i was no longer a youth, and i felt i would have to change my belief system because i was being proven mistaken in my beliefs. I was still not old but yet i was no longer a youth, but how could this be? I wasn’t going to let myself get old. I wasn’t yet old, but my faith in my abilities to ward off old age shook.
I was going to have to modify my entire belief system. I had had many times when an unrealistic view of my world would have to be corrected when i faced facts. I was used to the wrenching, the loss, the necessay humility of seeing what i believed to be truth of how things worked encircling my feet, rags on the floor, tatters.
I had had these experiences of having to rebuiold my belief system because of all the times I lived in a psychotic world where every building housed torture apartments and the only sane life was a lilfe lived in shelters and on the streets.
When, eventually, psychotropic drugs rendered me more accurate in the assessments of my surroundings, the change in my belief system, though necessary, the reversal of my every thought during my psychotic episodes, tore me apart. That part of recovery is very hard to bear.
However, the psychotic world view needed to change as my perceptions changed, back to a more agreed upon and agreeable (to some extent) world. At least i had my memories of a life that had been so happy when i felt safe and adventurous, escaping from the torture buidings. The point of this paragraph is: I got used to the interior uproar of changing perceptions. That enabled me to see clearer, forgiveness is better that nonforgiveness, hope is preferrable and ofeten harder to come by than resignation and old age is not a failure in my case.
Some people blame their past for their present unhappiness, while others don’t even see that hatred is a negative emotion because hatred trumps hell in the heart.
Perhaps i’ll be able to write more about this observatiion which i find so interesting, “The true evaluation of a life is determined by one’s final years.” Please check in at next posting. Thank you. It’s perhaps as dif-ficult to read about these deep things as it is to write them, which is why i’m thanking you.